OVERPROTECTION AND DISCIPLINE

It's a great temptation for the parents of a youngster with a physical disability to overprotect, or coddle, their child. Life is tough enough for him, you think. You may wonder why he should have to learn responsibility and self-discipline. Everything he has to deal with is harder for him than it is for healthy kids, so why shouldn't he get a break?

The first reason is because your child will be happier if he's treated like other children his age in all respects, including the areas of responsibility and discipline. He'll take more pride in himself, get along better with people and be more likely to see himself as a "regular kid" if he's expected to behave like his peers.

Second, responsibility is vital preparation for independence in his later teen and young adult years. As one parent says, "Since he has been given this disease, if we don't give him the strength to deal with it, we'd be hurting him more."

Third, overprotection can produce spoiled, manipulative children. Pity teaches a child to feel sorry for himself, to always expect others to take care of him, and to believe he's helpless. You'll do more for his well-being if you make it clear from the beginning that you expect him to follow your rules and meet your standards, just as you do your other children. By expecting him to behave well, you show that you have faith in him, and you help him learn that he can accomplish things.

A fourth reason to give your son with DMD reasonable responsibilities and discipline is that, if you've overprotected or "infantalized" him -- treated him like a baby -- he'll probably recognize it by the time he hits his teens. At that point, he'll need you to treat him like a young adult. But he may be reluctant to tell you this because of his conflicting feelings -- he depends on you, loves you and is grateful to you. Or he may just withdraw in anger, creating a new source of stress for the whole family.

This boy, who has DMD, is having great fun on his motorbike.

Discipline means providing consistent guidelines and expectations for behavior, with clear, immediate consequences. Your expectations for a child with DMD may have to be adjusted to suit his physical abilities, as well as his age and emotional maturity. To come up with appropriate chores for your son, you should discuss his physical limitations with a physician or occupational therapist, or with other parents of kids with DMD.

Some rules all children can follow include:

At home: Getting up and going to bed on time, performing as much self-care as physically possible, following household rules, telling the truth, staying away from dangerous objects and respecting others' personal possessions.

In school: Listening and paying attention in class, respecting authority figures, finishing homework before watching television and working to the best of their abilities.

With others: Cooperating with people, making friends, being sensitive to others' feelings, communicating wishes and needs, taking turns and playing by the rules.

You can require him to put away things after using them and to straighten areas he can reach, by storing most of his toys and possessions near the floor or wheelchair level where he can reach them. Or your son can earn his allowance by putting silverware and napkins on the table, dusting furniture he can reach and straightening the desk and dresser in his room. If it takes him a little longer than it does other kids, that doesn't matter. What's important is that he's doing his part.

A child with very limited physical strength could be responsible for reminding parents when it's time to feed pets or pay bills or for helping make grocery lists. Other tasks might include: rinsing dishes before they go into the dishwasher, figuring gas mileage and keeping car maintenance records, sorting and folding laundry, reading to younger siblings or helping them with homework.

He can help plan outings or errands by making phone calls for information. He can learn how to call relatives, neighbors and emergency numbers for help. Help him start thinking about meeting his own needs by running through a mental checklist when he goes to bed or leaves the house: Do you have everything you need for school? Have we forgotten anything?

A child with DMD who has an outgoing personality will have lots of friends.

Together, you and your child should set some realistic goals. A goal might be to bring his grades up, to read 10 books by Christmas, to learn a new computer basketball game -- whatever suits his interests and whatever he needs to work on. Encourage him to think of ways to adapt, at home and at school. Don't let him start out by saying, "I can't do it."

Children strive harder to reach goals they've set for themselves, and when they have their parents' support. Kids with disabilities often surprise parents and teachers by exceeding expectations.

A crucial part of effective discipline is rewarding good behavior through praise, a treat or even money. When punishment is necessary, a child with a disability should receive the same penalties as other kids: time-outs, loss of privileges, grounding, being required to apologize or make amends. Be sure your child is paying attention when you explain what's wrong. Ask him to summarize why he's being punished. And don't cut punishment short because the child is disabled. Follow through.

Next... Enjoyment and Fulfillment