SIBLINGS

"Living without Josh is hard, especially saying good-bye to the things we did together. Josh will always be in my memories. Now I have to say good-bye. But I will never forget Josh."

--Shana Hanefeld, whose brother died of muscular dystrophy

If you have other children, they'll need attention during and after your son's dying and death. Remember, your children have lost their brother. Their grief is their own, not an extension of yours. If you're unable to focus on them enough to help and comfort them, ask other family members to give them some special time and attention.

To the degree possible, keep family routines similar for the benefit of the children. Answer questions and clear up any misunderstandings about the death.

A child's understanding of death depends on his or her age. So do reactions to the loss of a loved one. Many unexpected emotions may be seen in the behavior of younger children -- guilt, fear, anger, infantile behavior, even continued jealousy.

Don't show shock at or disapproval of any of the children's feelings, but tell them it's OK to feel really sad or angry or confused about losing their brother (or cousin or friend). It may help them to express their feelings through art or role-playing games, which they can do with a teacher or therapist. Watch for signs of prolonged depression or trauma that may need professional help.

If your own grief is prolonged, a young child can interpret this to mean you take no pleasure in him. He may feel he's not loved as much as the missing child. This will generally work out with time, but be aware of lingering effects.

This is a good time for support groups. Friends you know through MDA who've also lost their children can be of great comfort because they know exactly what you're experiencing. Specific groups cater to those who are grieving. Many other groups exist for parents who've lost children.

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