< < Story continued from previous screen

From Web to Wedding

Norm and Karen Sampler-Seeley are glowing on their January 1999 wedding day. The couple's love first blossomed online when they met in an AOL chat room.

The Internet opened a whole new social world for Karen Sampier-Seeley, and it eventually led her to a husband.

"I was tired of this whole thing about trying to meet people. I was in college, and I still wasn't dating," said Sampier-Seeley, who has SMA and uses a wheelchair.

She started by posting a personal ad on an America Online bulletin board, where she described a little about herself and the type of person she was looking for.

"I got responses. I was really surprised. I thought, 'Gee, there's other people out there looking,'" she said.

She had a friend take photos of her at a park and had the best one scanned onto computer disk so she could e-mail it to people she got to know online.

"It was really neat, and most of the time it was lots of fun. I never really had a situation that I considered dangerous or scary," Sampier-Seeley said, adding that she used common sense when arranging to meet people in person (see "Avoiding Dangerous Dates").

She eventually met Norm Seeley in an AOL chat room, a gathering place on the Internet where people can communicate by e-mail or instant messages.

As fate would have it, they first "chatted" in a room designated for adults over 40 from Southern California — never mind that she wasn't over 40, and Norm lived in Arizona.

The couple talked online and over the phone for about three months before they made plans to meet in person. Not long after, they became engaged, and then got married in January 1999.

Patience Is Important

When trying a dating service, or taking the plunge on the Internet, patience and an open mind are virtues, say those who've experienced the adventure.

At the same time, Lee advises that, however you're referred to a potential date, meeting someone in person early in the relationship is crucial.

"There's a lot of things that are subliminal and subtle that are important to relationships. You might call it body language," Lee said. "Until you get the entire package, you don't really get an accurate picture."

Once he met a woman he'd gotten to know over the computer, but when she met him in person she told him, "I knew you were disabled, but I didn't know you were that disabled."

"So there's that danger. You've got to meet them quick or you get this one-sided or two-sided relationship going that doesn't really exist," Lee said.

Lee and Sampier-Seeley advise being up front, but not making disability too important when you talk about yourself. Like any other characteristic that doesn't completely define you, it shouldn't be the first thing you talk about, they said.

Lee said he has used terms like "nonathletic" to describe himself in personal ads and then discussed his abilities in greater detail when getting to know somebody.

When Sampier-Seeley first got responses to her Internet ads, she was torn about how to talk about her disability.

"At first I got nervous, and then I thought, 'I shouldn't be ashamed of that. This is who I am,'" she said. "Just be honest and say, 'This is who I am, and if you're not interested, let's just drop it now.'"

That was just one of several lessons she learned along the way, Sampier-Seeley said.

"I became more aware that I need to be positive about who I am, about myself and my limitations. I wasn't afraid to tell people, 'by the way I use a wheelchair.' At some point I even put it in my AOL profile."

Attitude Is Everything

It's also important to be realistic and honest about whom you hope to meet, whether through a dating service or on the Internet.

Watson and Wolf both urge clients to stay open-minded and realistic when using a dating service. In other words, if you aim to be matched with nobody but a glamorous supermodel, you're probably setting yourself up for disappointment.

Also, unless they find the other person "absolutely obnoxious," Wolf encourages clients to meet dating prospects more than once to get past the first-date jitters.

While no one method or matchmaker can guarantee perfect results, those in the business of creating love connections like to get prospective clients to adopt a "why not?" attitude.

Wolf tells those considering DAWN's services, "I can't promise you that I'm going to find you the man or woman of your dreams, and that you're going to marry someone. But I do promise that your social life will be enhanced."

Watson has this to say to prospective members:

"I basically say the same thing that I had to say to myself:

"You have to look at your opportunities and your options. If they're not working, a dating service in general is a way to open a door to another option.

"If the bar scene or the church scene is not working, then just get up off your butt and try something else." 

DATING RESOURCES

Dateable International
35 Wisconsin Circle, Suite 205
Chevy Chase, MD 20815
In the Washington, D.C., area, phone (301) 657-DATE.
Elsewhere, call (301) 656-8723.
www.dateable.org

DAWN: Differently Abled Winners Network
3906 W. Ina Road,
No. 200/217
Tucson, AZ 85741-2295
(520) 579-7253
http://dawn-disabled-dating.com/

Romance & Resources for the Disabled
www.disableddating.com

America Online
For information on free membership trial,
check www.aol.com.

Avoiding Dangerous Dates

Meeting new people through dating services or the Internet is generally a safe and rewarding prospect, but caution is always a good idea. You can stay on the safe side by keeping a few basic safety tips in mind.

• Use common sense, and don't agree to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
  
  
• Never give out personal, traceable information on the Internet. Initially, communicate by first name only.
  
  
• Talk to people over the telephone before meeting them in person.
  
  
• If you arrange a meeting, make sure it's in a familiar, public place, such as a busy restaurant, where you won't be alone. If possible, carry a cellular phone, and let a friend know where you're going.
  
  
• Dating services will often screen clients, as well as act as a clearinghouse for personal contact information, such as phone numbers and addresses. Clients can choose whether and when to have that information forwarded.
  
  
• Be aware that predators — including those who single out people with disabilities — may regard the Internet and get-acquainted services as good sources of victims. There are also those who have a sexual obsession with people with unusual physical characteristics or disabilities. If a new acquaintance's questions seem strangely slanted, be on guard.