Dating.

It's the traditional first step toward closeness, romance, intimacy, marriage and even lasting friendship.

But for many people, the mere idea of dating conjures up reactions akin to those of screaming victims in horror films. Depleted self-esteem and fear of rejection make dating something to dread or to avoid altogether.

For people with disabilities, dating can pose other myriad challenges, such as searching for someone who's willing to look beyond your disability and get to know the real you, or just getting to a location where you can meet people in the first place.

It's enough to make you stay home with a stack of good books and a lifetime subscription to TV Guide.

But there's no need to wave a white flag. Thanks to some creative matchmakers who've started dating services for people with disabilities, and modern tools like the Internet, there's a growing list of simple ways to meet people from all corners of life.

Specialized Dating Services

Six years ago, Wendy Wolf started DAWN: Differently Abled Winners Network, a dating service for people with disabilities. DAWN, based in Tucson, Ariz., is the dating service that Wolf said she always wished had existed when she was younger.

Wendy Wolf created DAWN, the dating service she wished had existed when she was growing up. Now the specialized service for people with disabilities is credited with eight marriages.

Wolf contracted polio at age 4, an illness that meant many lengthy hospital stays. Nonetheless, Wolf said she considered her childhood very normal, as she was surrounded by many friends and a loving family who treated her the same as her siblings.

It was during her teen-age years that she began to feel different, and then isolated from her friends' social lives.

"Their hormones were popping and so were mine, but nothing was happening to me. They were going out and beginning to date, and I wasn't going out and I wasn't dating and I couldn't talk about the party that I went to because I wasn't invited," Wolf said. "I used to pray that my mother would pay somebody to date me. That's how desperate I was."

As years went by, Wolf, who uses a power wheelchair, said she did what she sees many people with disabilities who are craving affection and companionship do: She settled.

"It's the fact that you want it so desperately and you're afraid it's not going to come along anymore. You think, 'I'll just settle for this person,'" she said. That attitude can lead to unhealthy and even abusive relationships.

After a couple of careers and the dissolution of her marriage, Wolf started DAWN using $200 of her own money. Clients were initially concentrated in Southern Arizona, but the service has grown to over 500 clients spread around the United States and three other countries. To date, eight marriages have resulted (and one engagement was looming at press time), and dozens of couples are living together because of DAWN.

"I knew from the beginning, there is an incredible need for this service. Who in this world does not want to have love in their life?" Wolf said. "It doesn't matter what your level of functioning is. Everybody has the same feelings, needs and desires."

Business is also booming at Dateable International, a Washington, D.C.-based dating service specializing in people with disabilities. Dateable (pronounced date-able) International boasts more than 250 couples who have met and married since it was started in 1987 by a doctor, Lucy R. Waletzky. The organization also has an active Washington branch that keeps a busy calendar of events, and a service for people with cognitive disabilities called Making Connections.

Robert Watson, Dateable International's executive director, was one of its first clients. He met his wife, Lynn, through the service, and the couple has been married for over seven years.

But Watson, who has cerebral palsy, said Dateable isn't only a place for finding romance. He also met his best friend at a Dateable-sponsored party.

"Making friends is a part of Dateable. So many people look at it just as, 'OK, I'm going to find somebody to date or to marry.' We tend to overlook the very obvious: Friendships are the foundation of our core, other than our families," Watson said.

Both services charge nominal fees, which begin when clients fill out extensive surveys about themselves.

From those surveys, staff members help clients develop personal profiles, and the profiles become the basis for computerized matching of potential partners. Staff members create matches for those who aren't fixed up by the computer. Matches are generated about every six weeks, and clients are guaranteed six matches for a six-month membership, and 12 for a year membership.

At DAWN, a computer narrows down factors such as common interests and preferences, but Wolf relies mostly on what she learns about clients from extensive interviews. DAWN clients also must write personal profiles that are exchanged when clients are matched. Then, Wolf said, she forwards referrals whenever possible, with two priorities: that both people accept each other's disability, and that both function on a compatible intellectual level.

While no one has yet gotten rich off dating services for people with disabilities — Dateable is nonprofit, and DAWN makes just enough to cover expenses — the satisfaction of joining people is priceless, the organizers said.

"I love what I do. I make matches in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping, and I'm dreaming about it," Wolf said. "I really feel that it's my mission."

Everyone Is Welcome

While some mainstream dating services adequately serve people with disabilities, staffers at DAWN and Dateable have welcomed many refugees from such businesses. Clients with disabilities say some services either "cubbyholed" them or, in the most extreme situations, refused them service.

"It's still a new concept to some people, I think, that people with disabilities actually date. It's like, 'you do that?'" said Diana Stewart, the membership director at Dateable International.

Neither service excludes nondisabled people as long as they're open to dating someone with a disability. Both serve clients with a wide range of disabilities, from quadriplegics to people with mental challenges, to one person who listed "false teeth" as a disability. Clients come from all walks of life: Ph.D.s, lawyers, artists, engineers, pilots and the unemployed.

"There are a lot of people that aren't real good at meeting other people, and the disability might play a part in that," said Stewart, who has spina bifida.

Some people approach the services with reservations about dating another person with a disability. Wolf encourages clients to be honest with themselves and with her.

"I tell people before we even start, certainly the more open they are, the more referrals they'll get. But I don't want them to settle, and say yes to something they would be uncomfortable with," she said.

Often, once clients get to know each other, disability becomes a nonissue, but can be an important common thread, Watson said.

"People who join Dateable — and we're not all complete angels — tend to be more accepting of different people. Not to sound pitiful, but that's because we've been discriminated against somehow, some way, somewhere," he said. "I think that's the common denominator. Everybody who joins has been through some type of rejection and they're looking for acceptance."

Looking for Love Online

The Internet is another increasingly popular way for people to meet, and a handy tool for those with limited mobility that makes it difficult to get out to socialize.

Chat rooms, personal Web sites and even Internet-based dating services are options for meeting people.

International Dating and Travel Service for the Disabled (www.idtsd.com) is a new service that's exclusively on the Internet.

Based in St. Louis, the Web site was founded by Jacob Portnoy, who got the idea when visiting his home country of Russia, and was dismayed at how disabled people were treated there. He decided to create a network to enable Russians to meet people in other countries, and first experimented with a site that would match up disabled Russian women with American men.

Telephone problems and poor Internet access limited Russian participation, but domestic response was enough to start the service. Currently, about 70 people from the United States and beyond have posted bios and pictures on the site, which for now is free.

Eventually, Portnoy and Web site designer C. Kent Lissa said, they might charge a small monthly fee for membership or transactions to cover costs.

"Our goal is to provide an excellent resource for single men and women of discerning tastes to find a loving, compatible and faithful mate for life," Lissa said.

"We also believe that two persons with disabilities can better understand each other and are more likely to spend rich, productive and compatible lives together."

Personal Web pages, another trend that has evolved with the Internet, are an easy introductory step for getting to know someone.

Rick Lee, a multimedia software designer in San Diego, said he's tried just about every method out there: personal ads, singles groups and clubs, and dating services, including Handicapped Introductions, a company that merged with Dateable International. Lee was even scheduled to appear on the TV show "Love Connection" but missed out when the show was cancelled a few years back before his episode could run. (The show has since been revived.)

His efforts have produced many friendships and some significant relationships, and he has even come close to marriage. Lee, who has spinal muscular atrophy, said he's currently experimenting with his personal Web site as a way to meet women and is intrigued by its potential.

Surfing around "Rick's Place" (www.ricks-place.org), a sophisticated site with music and moving graphics, tells you all about Lee's past, present and his hopes for the future. It also talks about what kind of woman he'd like to share his life with.

"More than just a desirable trait, finding a well-balanced person is the holy grail. It's wonderful to be around someone who is consistently cheerful, someone who can see the best of any situation," Lee states on his Web site.

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