You might have a
disability if …

by Brice Carroll

A new pair of shoes will last you for years, and years, and years.
You are “Jerry’s kid,” even though you have no relatives named Jerry.
You can legally ride your motorized vehicle in an area that’s posted, “No Motorized Vehicles.”
You can go “four wheeling” indoors and out.
Getting to work is not just a job, it’s an adventure.
You have nightmares about endless miles of concrete curbs.
You refer to an inconsiderate person without a disability as a “walking pressure sore.”
You think of a wheelchair user with good upper body strength as “lucky.”
You’d actually enjoy having your “vehicle” pulled over for speeding.
Small children watch you closely, while adults try not to watch you closely.

You might be a redneck
with a disability if:

Your wheelchair was ever involved in a hunting accident.
Your wheelchair has more than 12 inches of road clearance.
Your wheelchair is the only vehicle in the neighborhood not up on concrete blocks at least once a month.
You get your beard stuck in your chair wheels.
Your wheelchair is painted your favorite color — camouflage.
Your wheelchair has four-wheel drive, a lift kit and a skid plate.
There are paintball stains on your wheelchair.
You built a new wheelchair out of parts of three broken chairs, all different makes and colors.
You store your spare wheelchair under your double-wide.
You find you and your chair make a good “calf” for your brother’s roping practice.

You might be an intellectual
with a disability if:

You refer to people who stare at you as “conceptually challenged.”
The world’s cultural decline concerns you more than your inability to walk.
You know the answer to the question, “To be, or not to be?”
Steven Hawking is your hero.
Solving quadratic equations is more fun than racing your wheelchair.

You might be a rich person
with a disability if:

You have a chauffeur to operate your joystick.
Your name is monogrammed in gold on your silver wheelchair rims.
You have a caviar stain on your wheelchair.
Your wheelchair has a built-in Grey Poupon dispenser.
The back of your wheelchair is decorated with your family crest.

You might be a race car
fan with a disability if:

You know how many seconds it takes your wheelchair to do a quarter-mile.
You have your wheelchair overhauled after every 100 miles.
Your wheelchair tires are racing slicks.
You refer to your wheelchair repairman as your “pit crew.”
The back of your wheelchair sports a checkered flag.

 

Brice Carroll, a retired accountant, lives in Hot Springs, Ark.